There Is Good News
My stint here at the Student Employment Office was due to end early next week, and they've continued my assignment till the end of June. Better yet, it's as a Web Designer, which pays $3 or so more an hour. So, I've got work for a couple of months more, and at enough more per hour that I might get a little caught up. A little. At least I might be able to have medicine and groceries, which is an improvement.

I managed to drag myself into Curves to exercise twice this week (twice more than the past few months), and my blood sugar is already showing signs of improvement (coupled with tighter control of diet and careful medicating with samples). I hate that it does make me feel better, 'cause I hate exercise... but I am glad that it helps and I'll try to keep it up.

It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

Listening to music instead of talk radio today, and this one struck home. Overall my mood has lifted over the past week, but this is tremendously apt for how I feel the vast majority of the time.

It only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
-- Shania Twain "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing"

From a Dog's Self Improvement List
17. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

:: snerk ::

Friday's Useless Survey

I even answered the questions more or less honestly...

Shameless Cheap Plug
Fictionwise is trying to improve their Google rating and is asking their customers to put up links to them. I'm willing to do that because I actually am pretty happy with them. When I have a working PDA, I always have half a dozen books on it so that I have something to read waiting in line or in the restroom. (Now there's a visual you probably didn't need.) Fictionwise has reasonable prices, and frequently offers classic titles for very little money, or even free. So, if you want to get ebooks, check 'em out.

This Day In History
BBC NEWS | Magazine | Whatever happened to Dungeons and Dragons?

Yes, it's the 30th anniversary of D&D -- good grief, have I been playing that long? (Actually, I was busy graduating from college in 3 years and didn't pick it up till much later in life -- in the mid-80's.)

Back in Action
After over a week down, I've finally moved to a new web host, and I'm back online again. It seems like all I've done for the past week is move files and re-integrate email. My original hosting company, Eryxma, suddenly went belly-up when the teenaged CEO took all the money and skipped town. One of his partners grabbed the files from the server, promising to provide hosting and support at his site, Glexicon.

It was, to put it mildly, a complete disaster, and many questions are still unanswered. Such as... why did they let the defrauder (who is still charging people's credit cards) work on the migration? Will we all have to cancel our credit/debit cards to keep this guy from cleaning us out? If you're interested in the sordid details, head over to www.webhostingtalk.com and do a search on Eryxma and/or Glexicon. It's very ugly.

I'm now with Emax Hosting (thanks, Reimer, for researching and finding it for me), and if their resolution of my problems with getting Blogger re-setup are any indication, I think I'm going to be happy here.

In other news... I finally dragged myself up out of bed half an hour early this am and went to Curves to work out. My knee/hip/back combination isn't awfully happy, but it did bring my blood sugar down somewhat. We'll see if I keep it up.

Just Because
Library Cats Map

A Few Thoughs For Friday
I managed to bite the tip of my tongue hard enough that I drew blood. Grrr. Now I'm lisping, and the tip of my tongue is bright red. I was, of course, eating celery and hot salsa at the time. Ouch. I should know better than to try to eat and walk at the same time...

Some particularly pertinent quotes...

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. Seneca

Real friendship is shown in time of trouble. Prosperity is full of friends. Euripides

Amen in particular to that, as my friends again sustain me. I don't know why they hang around, given my frequent descents into the Pit, but I'm glad they do.

The Eternal Search for a Permanent Job
The job fair was disappointing but not surprising. A lot of the jobs were in sales, something for which I am ill-suited. Really ill-suited. I put in a few applications, but the only company that seemed really interested was a temporary agency. Temporary I've got. For now, anyways. The SEO is putting in for a 2 month extension of my time with them, which at least gives me some feeling of value.

Curses Upon You, Blood Sugar Fairy!

Grrr... about an hour and a half later, and my BG is 108. I haven't been walking or doing other exercise, and can't think of a good reason for the spike or the drop. Now I wonder if it was a defective strip/meter or if my BG really *was* 27. Ghaaaa! I suppose I shouldn't stress about the occasional weird reading, but the stakes are so very high if I don't keep my sugar controlled.

Roller Coaster

The week's off to an unpleasant start. My morning blood glucose test read a terrifying 27; I was shaking, so I drank my emergency box of grape juice and got ready for work. When I got here I tested with my other meter... and it read 166. With a reading like that, I don't even dare have my usual oatmeal breakfast for fear it will spike over 200. *sigh* I'm guessing there's either something wrong with the meter I keep upstairs, or with the strip.

The games Saturday were fine -- the players were wonderful and I enjoyed running them... but yeah, they didn't have any difficulty seeing how bitter I am, even though they had fun. I drank myself to sleep Saturday night, and there really isn't much improvement in the whole depression situation.

Job fair tomorrow afternoon -- somehow I need to manage to pretend that I'm confident and competent long enough to get a permanent job.

Falling Down

I stood at the head of the stairs this morning, hands full and cats dancing ahead in anticipation of breakfast, and I thought "It would be so much easier to just be dead." Then, of course, I thought about poor Jason having to sort out my mess and my will not updated yet, and the moment passed. But that's how it is - I think I'm coping and one day I realize that I've been trudging down a great huge slope, and here I am in the Pit again. I'm so tired of climbing back out of it. I just want to lie down till this trivial and pointless exercise masquerading as my life is over. Maybe I'll do better next time. Maybe I won't, but I sure can't do much worse than I have this go 'round.

Intellectually I know that a solution to "I have done nothing noteworthy with my life" is to get off my fat behind and do something noteworthy. Emotionally, I don't see how I can.

There's a job fair next week and as I put together an updated resume and references, I can't help but realize that there isn't a single permanent employer I can use as a reference. My own ex wouldn't hire me back, I quit my last permanent job before they worked up to firing me, and the employers from back when I appeared competent have all moved on. Or died. No matter how highly regarded I might be by my very forgiving friends, they can't give me employment references. Worse, I don't know that I want a job that requires more of me than showing up and doing simple tasks -- I don't feel up to anything that might have a significant impact on anyone else's life. There's just too much chance I'll mess it up.

I am so very, very weary... and I have to prep two Living Force scenarios to run for the club tomorrow (despite having sworn I would not run LF any more), so I can't even indulge in an evening-long vegetation in front of the TV. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or maybe I won't.

Never give a Welshman bad directions...

Traveller's Curse After Misdirection
(from the Welsh)

May they stumble,
stage by stage
Of an endless pilgrimage,
Dawn and dusk,
mile after mile,
At each and every step, a stile;
At each and every step withal
May they catch their feet and fall;
At each and every fall they take
May a bone within them break:
And may the bone that breaks within
Not be, for variation's sake,
Now rib,
now thigh,
now arm,
now shin,
But always, without fail, THE NECK.
-- Robert Graves

My very British name is Margaret Walpole.
Take The Very British Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

:: chuckle ::

Life vs Art
I've developed an unhealthy fondness for One Tree Hill (one of the WB's trademarked teen angst shows). It's on after Gilmore Girls, which I find smart and funny, and I'm generally too lazy to change the channel. So, anyways... last night's story centered around a cheerleading competition, and the girls were over-the-top snarky with each other. Amusing, but fiction, yes?

Er... no. My current temp assignment is in the Student Employment Office, and we have a gaggle of skinny, pretty, fashionable college girls working here. Listening to them chatter away today I am struck by how very much like their fictional counterparts they are.

Go fig. I was never included in those cliques either in high school or college, so I guess I never knew what they were like. I don't feel that I was deprived.

In other, geek-related news, I'll get to see Hellboy with Phil tonight. I was too busy (playtesting Living Death in Springfield) last weekend, and I've been just dragging thus far this week (and needed clean laundry). Yippiee!

It Must Be Monday...

And I've got to get some sleep, but here's a quiz that I couldn't help but love the result.

I am....


Wonder Woman (Diana, Princess of Themyscira).
You're used to the royal treatment, and
sometimes come off a little spoiled. But
you're also enthusiastic and an anchor of
stability to your friends.


Which Justice League character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Clever, Clever
This Quick Character Generator is so incredibly entertaining and clever that I'll be posting it to both of my weblogs. While I may not use the ideas it comes up with, they're excellent seeds.