Monster Under the Id
What is a monster? What makes a monster? What would it take to make a monster out of... me?

I saw Monster last night and I found it profoundly disturbing. As a dramatization (rather than a biopic) it takes liberties with known facts/names and speculates on the forces that shaped Aileen Wuornos into a brutal serial killer. It does not glorify her -- it does humanize her. That, I think, is the greater horror. Under different circumstances, given different choices, she might never have become a killer.

But... you can read all about the synopsis and what the reviewers think with a Google search.

I need to talk about what it meant to me.

One of the strongest resonances for me was the theme of being unloved and unlovely, and what it drove Wuornos to do, to become, in the belief that she might be loved, be found beautiful, by someone. From earliest childhood, Aileen was told she was ugly (and, in fact, she was a pretty unattractive person, both physically and in personalilty -- an incredible performance by Charlize Theron). Brutalized and abandoned (repeatedly), she knew she was unloved and came to believe she was unloveable. Prostitution was just another way to seek love (not that she would find it there). A lifetime of abuse, degredation and rejection would wear anyone down. It explained how she became a monster, without excusing it. And I understood, on a completely visceral level.

All the while I watched the movie, I heard echoes of my own life. Not the kind of shattering brutality Wuornos endured, but certainly my own little quiet horror. Never do I recall hearing that I was pretty -- only that I could be, if only I would (lose weight, dress differently, get my nose fixed). I never recall hearing my parents say they were proud of me, for anything -- but I do remember vividly being told how difficult I was, and being threatened throughout my adolescence with institutionalization.

And that, I think, is why the movie disturbed me so. I'm not a monster ... but I began to feel that I understood how I could have become one. Could still become one, under the right (or wrong) pressures. And that... that's scary.

Okay, one more and I'll really get back to work.

This has an Over The Edge/Al Almarja weirdness to it. I think I'll take my brain out and have it laundered now, thank you.
Strangeways As this is a Livejournal, eventually the entry will scroll away, so you want to look for Strangeways.
[Edit: Changed link so it points to the correct entry, for Jan 30 2004]

Clearly I'm fiddling away my lunch hour (having retrieved the BloodMobile from the mechanic (again, this time with heat)) cruising the internet.

This is just wonderful. There's music (drumming, specifically) so you'll want to turn up the volume, just a little. UPLOAD III MULTIMEDIA RUNNER UP - DREW COPE (DRUM MACHINE)

Things I never thought to wonder about chewing gum... snarkout: chewing and chewing all day long

This is wrong in a variety of ways... and thus irresistable.
Whack the Penguin

I had to reload the screen a couple of times before it worked.

Knee Improvements
More improvements on the knee front. I'd have to say that it feels better than it has in at least six months, maybe a year, and I'm past the "cortisone honeymoon" period of 4-5 days, so this may be a real improvement. I'm crutches and cane free, and I plan to start back at Curves next week to strengthen the support muscles. Very, very carefully...

Even though I'm a little anxious with my gig at Physical Plant due to end Feb 6th, my depression seems to be lifting. It's been a good gig, and most recently I've had the chance to do some Access programming again, which gives me a happy little glow.

Pain reduction certainly is a factor, as is getting something resembling sufficient sleep and enormously reduced stress now that I'm not scrambling to meet the Living Force schedule. The reception for the modules I wrote has been very good, and I think that helps as well. I need validation from outside -- I haven't figured out how to find it within yet -- and so these little treasures help me a lot.

I'm chugging away writing my first Living Death module, and have ideas for a couple of Chill modules and an article on GMing style that I hope will be good enough for Pyramid.

We're hip-deep in snow here in mid-Michigan. I'd like to complain about the weather (it's been really, really cold, and we're expecting somewhere between 10 and 24 inches of snow by morning)... but this is Michigan, darn it. Where we have two seasons -- Winter and Under Construction. We've gotten off easy the past few years with mild winters, and though the snow and cold are inconvenient (especially with my car heater on the fritz), I really can't complain.

I generally avoid politics -- too much stress to no purpose -- but I am so startled by this (in a good way) that I need to post this link: Wesley Clark ... advocate.com

Of all of the candidates who might be supportive of gay issues, might appear on the cover of The Advocate, for cryin' out loud, I would not have picked a retired general.

Now I feel bad about the "Clark for President" jokes I've been making (a la Babylon 5).

Better Living Through Chemistry
Yesterday I was worried that the cortisone shot had made things worse, but yestereve (about 24 hours after the shot) all of a sudden it kicked in. There's still some pain down the right knee (especially at the site of the shot) but overall the improvement is astounding.

Wahoo! (Okay, not up to dancing and running yet, but at least I can move off the slow shuffle)

Readerville. The social life of the mind.
Another interesting stop in my voyages through the Internet.

At Last, Some Good News!
I saw my orthopedist, Dr. Morrison, and he had wonderful news for me. I don't have to have a knee replacement any time soon. He still wants to postpone it as long as humanly possible (as in years). I got a cortisone shot in the knee to reduce the inflammation, and he'll see me again in 5 weeks. If it's not significantly improved he's got another injectable he would like to try. He's pretty confident he can get me back walking and not in much pain without surgery, and is determined to try everything possible before resorting to the knife. He even gave me a box of Vioxx samples (anti-inflammatory/pain reliever for arthritis), as well as a flyer for a program that might let me get some of my prescription drugs for free.

Not just a good doctor, but a good person.

I'm not quite in shape to do the happy dance, but it's a huge relief. I was worried about the possible (probable) cost, but even more I was dreading the recovery. I've done it before, but then I had a decent income, health insurance and sick time -- and it was still as close to Hell as I want to get on this earth. I'm thrilled to be able to postpone the misery, pain and inconvenience.

I'm still going ahead with the plan to get the condo cleared out/cleaned up so that I can sell it and buy a single story house, but now I don't feel such incredible pressure.

Let's hear it for good news!

I could get used to this...
I hobbled off to MidWest Madness (a gaming convention) this past weekend. It was smaller than the organizers hoped, but was still fun (and I plan to address it in more detail in my gaming log). But anyways, my dear friend Vic Polites met me in Battle Creek and drove the rest of the way in my car. Every time we needed to go somewhere (which was often, because the hotel and food were all some distance from the convention sites) he went and fetched the car and picked me up at the door.

Oh, heaven. I always knew I'd want a housekeeper if I ever were filthy rich, but now I want a driver too!

BBC finds missing Dalek episode
Yes, the second episode of Dr. Who has emerged from the past. I'm looking for them on DVD one of these days!

American Diabetes Association - Sleep Deprivation and Diabetes
This story talks about hormonal changes brought on by sleep deprivation, something I've been guilty of my whole adult life. I know that my blood sugar shoots up when I don't get enough sleep -- and I frequently don't get enough sleep. With the recent stresses and pain, I'm lucky if I manage 5 or 6 hours (waking 3 or 4 times), so that might help explain otherwise mysterious high readings.

Complicated. Everything is complicated.

News of the Knee
For a few moments this morning, before I moved, my knee didn't hurt. I'm actually getting around fairly well at work today without the crutches, and I think this may be a sign of actual improvement. Not that it will get me out of surgery, but at least I can get around, so that's something.

I've been anxious ever since they confirmed my appt. with Dr. Morrison. He's a fine surgeon and has a stunningly good bedside manner, especially for an orthopod. (Rumor has it they have their personalities removed during their residency, so the good Doctor must've missed that day.) After a conversation with an old and dear friend with much experience regarding knee replacements (both her mother and mother-in-law) I am in absolute abject terror. My longest hospital stay prior to this was, I think, 5 days, and I was basing my projections on that. One of her relatives was in the hospital for FOUR WEEKS! (both knees) and the other 11 days. My friend's recent hospitalization of 10 days (no surgery) was over $31,000.

Yes, yes, there's the Trust, but it's not huge, and was supposed to serve me in my old age. If the bill comes to $50K (and it sure is sounding like it might easily do that) that's half of it. To say nothing of physical therapy, and how in hell I'm to survive for 4 weeks (or more - my last no-weight-bearing-wheelchair experience was 6 weeks) without work I have no freakin' idea. Add to that living alone in a two-story townhouse condo where the bed and shower are upstairs...

Just the thought reduces me to tears. I don't wanna do this, and yet I need to be able to walk. I can't do Pain, as I am a wimp of the first water. I've never been a fast healer, and things have never gone optimally where medical procedures are concerned. It's just too much... I'm trying to stave off panic till I've seen the doctor, at least, but it bubbles just under the surface and it's hard to hold onto equilibrium.

(gibber, gibber, gibber)

No Comment, None Needed
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Pet Store Thief Bitten
A pet store thief found that trying to steal two tiger python snakes from the Animal Trax pet store in New Jersey had more than the usual consequences. The thief put one python in a pants pockets and the snake bit him in his private parts as he drove away from the store, the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, N.J., reports. The snake bite isn't poisonous, but the 20-year-old man, who declined medical treatment, says he had rigged canvas bags to the pockets of his slacks to conceal the snakes. The snake got out of the bag, wrapped itself around the man's leg and began to squeeze it before biting him, said Greenwich Township Detective Sgt. Joseph M. Giordano Jr.
(c) Copyright 2004 by United Press International. All rights reserved.

Knee From Hell Update
I have an appointment next Monday to see my orthopedist. I don't know if I should be alarmed that he squeezed me in on a week's notice... but at least I'll know what the damage is (physically and financially) so that I can start pursuing relief.

On a lighter note, here's this year's Banished Words List.

After two or three days of fairly rapid recovery, the improvement of the Knee From Hell (aka the Ex-Knee) is fairly stalled. Sunday I had to do laundry, and it took me a full day of taking stairs one step at a time (and one flight at a time, with ample rest at each stage) to get the clothes clean and back up to my room. If my knees are going to continue to crap out on me (and since osteoarthritis is both incurable and degenerative I expect they will) then I'm going to have to seriously look at finding a place that's all on one floor.

I hate single-floor places, but there it is. With my abysmal credit rating I'm going to have a lot of trouble finding anything nice, so that's grim too. On the up side, the condo should go for roughly three times what I paid for it, and at least twice what I owe on the mortgage. If I could just get a regular job (with a predictable paycheck) I could probably manage to get something acceptable. Of course, that means getting the current place cleaned up to sell, and getting rid of enough stuff that packing is feasible.

Hmm... sounds like a goal for 2004. Get the house ready to sell/pack up by the end of the year. Getting a real job is already on the list, but it has been for the past 3 years, and we know how well that's gone.

Otherwise, I'm still spending much of my non-work time horizontal, as that way I don't have to take as much in the way of painkillers. I'm still much sleepier than I think is normal, but no longer completely nodding out at odd moments. Every improvement is... well.. an improvement.

And there's some good news amidst the bad -- the lump in Hobbes' chest is a lipoma, or benign fatty tumor. The vet says it can wait till I have funds to get him in to have his teeth cleaned. My thanks to Adam & Craig (the fabulous Norman boys) for their assistance in kitty transport.

Poor Hobbes. He came down to get his dinner, and I picked him up and cuddled him -- and then tucked him into the new soft-sided cat carrier. He was most put out (but seems to have forgiven me now).

The Blood Sugar Fairy came by, though, shooting BG up to 165 after a dinner of Wendy's Chili and a salad. Go fig. I watched the rest of the Firefly collection while whimpering in pain on the couch for most of the evening. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Not a good day thus far. BG 150 at 10 am, two hours after my pretty-much-traditional instant oatmeal with cinnamon, pecans and equal. Long, long walk in from the car, though today I had the sense to bring my crutches. My knee aches with a steady pulse, and I'm queasy. *sigh* And I got enough sleep last night, so I'm not sure what my excuse is.

The Kindness of Strangers
There's this very sweet woman by the name of Michon here, who's been fetching my car for me each day. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am. It means a short hop instead of a long, long walk at the end of the day. Michon doesn't know me from a hole in the wall, and yet does me this tremendous favor. There are some wonderful people in the world... it's humbling.

Started out the day with more mobility and less pain... but then I had to park far, far away from my desk, and I'm paying for it. I brought the cane instead of crutches; I can't decide if I would hurt less if I'd had the crutches.

I spent yestereve sacked out on the couch watching Firefly. Oh, my but that was a wonderful series. Firefly Wiki here. I'm seriously considering running a home campaign set in the Firefly universe.

Still phasing in and out of consciousness, without a clue as to why. I guess there's just occasional "all resources to knees for healing" or somesuch.

Tonight I get a much-needed haircut, and if I have the strength will hit Meijers for some groceries. I think they have those little electric carts, which I'm gonna need if I am to manage any grocery shopping. I need to do laundry as well, but am still working out the logistics of two flights of stairs, two bad knees and carrying things.

I keep phasing in and out of consciousness -- not the best of things at work -- and it's weird. The only pain medication I'm taking is a combination of a Tylenol and a couple of Ibuprofen, so it's not that. I actually slept most of last night (for a change), and my BG is roughly where it should be. A muscle in my thigh keeps jumping, and of course the pain is a relative constant. Strangeness... sounds like a call to snooze on the couch again this evening!

It was, of course, the gas tank. Heaven forbid anything that goes wrong be less than the maximum... but Badgleys was able to put in a used tank, so now I'm only a couple of hundred dollars lighter.

The pain is easing up; I can walk short distances without the crutches/cane. Still need to contact my orthopedist to find out what the surgeries will cost, and still need to take Hobbes to the vet for the lump in his chest.

Yippie.

If it weren't for bad luck...
... I'd have no luck at all.

I went down to Fort Wayne on Saturday to run a couple of rounds of Living Force for an upcoming con (Midwest Madness). We had a couple of wonderful rounds, the weather was clear and all in all it was terrific.

Unfortunately, on the drive back I drove over something that made a metallic thump on the underside of my car, and when I got home and parked gasoline flooded out from under my poor, ancient minivan. Okay, fine, I can handle this, I figured. One more minor disaster, but it's okay... After a nightmare-ridden night of very little sleep, I figured I could have the car towed to my mechanic on Sunday. I've taken the bus to and from work before, and while there's a couple of moderately long walks (a couple of blocks) I can do it while I wait for the car to be fixed.

And then, heading out for a last trip to unload things from the car, my body decided to go out on the porch without my feet. I fell all tangled in the storm door, left leg, right leg and right ankle all headed in different directions.

The pain is spectacular. $235 worth of Redi-Care and x-rays later, I have strained ligaments and bruises -- and the x-rays show that my right knee is pretty much completely shot, while osteoarthritis is encroaching on the left. I need a knee replacement -- soon -- on the right, and surgery on the left to slow the damage.

And no health insurance.

Silly me... I thought after I lost Living Force and my staff all immediately embraced the new management, things couldn't get worse. I should have known better.

I can hardly wait for the next disaster...

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