:: snort :: ((snicker)) !! Chortle !! Top 15 Historical Spam Subject Lines. Oh, thank you Kiwiboid -- I needed a good snicker.

A slight afterthought -- now I need to figure out what might be satisfactory accomplishments (or even one accomplishment) for the coming year, so that I don't face this particular depression trigger next year. What do I want to accomplish by the time I turn 50? Time to ponder, suggestions welcome.

Speaking of Wasted Lives

As is the tradition this time of year, I'm looking over the past year for accomplishments and finding... nothing. Not a damned thing. Anti-accomplishments, like getting thrown out of the campaign I created and cherished, those I've got, but accomplishments? Those I've got. Placeholding? Yup. But a job, a life, anything that I can point to with pride? Nope.

It's a darned good thing that I don't send Christmas letters, because I'd have nothing to say.

*sigh*

Depression 1 - Jae 0

Reading Material
Sharyn McCrumb, If Ever I Return, Pretty Peggy-O. I just finished this, and I fear it's a tad too depressing for my current emotional state. It's not just a murder mystery -- it circles around the wasted lives (or what the characters see as their wasted lives) of a group about my age preparing for their high school reunion.

Well written, but very depressing.

Next up: Fellowship of the Ring.

Today the zipper tag ripped off my trusty RPGA jacket (which I've worn everywhere for the past 4 years). To repair it I'd have to replace the whole zipper. I think I'll just toss it instead -- a strangely appropriate thing, given that RPGA has now tossed me aside.

On to better things.

The Christmas celebrations were nice; a lovely dinner with friends and a smattering of nice (and appropriate) gifts. I've been puttering around doing various things (filing 2 years worth of papers, for example) and recharging my emotional batteries. My heart is still a raw and open wound, but I can go hours without breaking down into tears.

Now, if I could just go back to sleeping more than 4 hours at a time, I'd be on the road to better.

I've progressed to numb resignation; it's probably safe to call off the suicide watch. My thanks to my dear and loving friends, especially Reimer who refused to go home, for keeping me here one more day.

May the season bring you joy, and hope return with the light.

I've finally stopped breaking down into tears every few minutes. Blessedly, no one here at work asked me why I was crying so much. I don't cry pretty -- it's very, very obvious when I've been crying.

The pain has receeded to a hollow ache; not pleasant, but something I can bear, for a little while at least.

Ghaaa. Boring blog. Sorry.

When something awful happens once, it's bad luck, fate, whatever, but not necessarily your fault.

When it keeps happening, the place to look for the problem is within. This isn't the first time I've lovingly built something only to have it wrenched away from me. Inevitably, the People In Charge (or the people I serve) don't value or appreciate my hard work and dedication, and one way or another it's back on the trash heap for me.

I can't, in honesty, blame anyone else for these things. The problem is clearly me, and so deeply ingrained in my character that it's just going to keep happening. Worse, it's also pretty clear that I'm not going to be able to fix whatever it is in me that keeps setting me up for the fall. Even if I did have access to mental health services, I don't see what good it can do. These are patterns of nearly 50 years of life, and they're pretty well set in stone by now.

And I don't think I can take it any more. I just can't.

Here, for the lawyers among us who are also fans of "Lord of the Rings"...Letters of Marque: Sauron: Offer and acceptance

As the day wears on my false optimism wears thinner and thinner and depression creeps across the day. It's hard to look positively toward the future when so much of the recent past is branded "failure" by the Powers That Be.

I've been innundated by loving and sympathetic emails; I wish it were enough.

Morning after ground zero...

It took me an hour to finally fall asleep, and I woke after 3, restless, teary and unable to get back to sleep. I may have been relatively prepared for this, but it's still taking a toll. I suppose I'll have to grieve and get on with my life. Tears are supposed to be good for the soul.

Meantime, I'm soaking spilled coffee out of my white shirt and anticipating a bleak Christmas.

I can't believe the SOB had the nerve to wish me "Merry Christmas". What a jerk...

Well, one of the worst things I could imagine happening has happened, and overall I think I'll be okay.

I've devoted the last 4 years of my life to developing and directing a Star Wars roleplaying campaign for the RPGA. I have devoted pretty much every spare moment (and many that weren't spare, at the expense of sleep and employment) to building a coherent multi-year story arc. With the help of some very talented people, I was telling a complex, cinematic story in the medium of Role Playing games, in the very special environment of Uncle George's sandbox. Everything we wrote was reviewed and approved by LucasFilm Licensing, and we were an official part of the Expanded universe.

Some time after I began the journey, there was a change of management at RPGA, and the organization began what I felt was a serious decline. Instead of a focus on providing a quality roleplaying experience, it seemed to me that the focus had turned to providing only a marketing front. It also became increasingly clear that the individual to whom I reported disliked me, my style and my independence.

And now... he's "decided not to renew my contract". I was two years from the end of a 5 year story arc, and the story was just getting really good. The modules we were producing were among the finest we'd done. We had an ambitious plan for the coming year, and were well into production. We'd built and finally successfully implemented a rich background (metagame) system so that the players could fill in the holes in their characters' lives.

And now... someone else will be in charge. The company has "no need" for the materials we had in process; they're going to take a "new direction". I was not even granted the courtesy of the name of my replacement. I'll find out when the rest of the community finds out.

This lack of courtesy, of simple respect, has been the hallmark of my relationship with the new management. It actually makes it a little easier for me to bear this loss. While the campaign, the story, was my baby, I had found the organization increasingly difficult to tolerate. It simply doesn't stand for the things it did when I signed on. I was willing to keep fighting the good fight because I cared about the story, and cared about the players who were making it their own -- but I have to confess to a sense of rellief.

I shall miss Living Force with all my heart. It was my greatest work, and I don't know that I will ever do anything that good again. But... I made some wonderful friendships, and a lot of people had a wonderful time. I did well -- I may have even done some good.

And now, I have all sorts of free time.

Monday morning musings... I am filled, all of a sudden, with a yearning to visit my parents' graves. I've not been there since I watched my mother's coffin go into the ground 10 or so years ago, though I remember the sense of the lifting of a great burden as if it were yesterday.

Unfortunately, I'm such a terrible piece of offspring that I'm not even sure what cemetery holds them. I've sent off an email to the most likely candidate; we'll see what comes of it.

I spent the weekend doing not much of anything, but I do feel curiously recharged, if somewhat melancholy. I think I may have needed a day or so of complete rest and kitty-petting. Wonderfully therapeutic little monsters.

I managed to get out to see "Return of the King" today. It was, simply, wonderful. I gasped, laughed and cried. For a review, I quote someone else's weblog, quoting J. Michael Straczynski (my hero).

J. Michael Straczynski, creator of Babylon 5 and confessed Tolkein fan, summarized "The Return of the King" nicely:

"The Return of the King" is magnificent on every level. There are times you feel you're looking at some forgotten history come to life, the imagery is almost painfully beautiful at times, breathtaking and awe-inspiring other times. I remember sitting there, thinking there are some things one feels priviliged to have lived long enough to have seen. This is one of them. It's brave, heroic, tragic, moving, funny, inspiring and wistful all at the same time.

So for those who were hoping for the best...your hopes will be realized. It's just freaking magnificent."

And now I can finally re-read it. I read it in 1975, when I was in college, and wanted to wait till I'd seen all three movies before reading it again. I didn't want to taint my enjoyment of the movies by comparing them to a recent reading of the books.

And while I'm at it, here are the original "Very Secret Diaries" The Very Secret Diaries Totally NOT work safe!

Oh, oh, my... this is very wrong in so many ways. Enjoy! viva_gloria: FIC: The Very Secret Diary of Captain Jack Sparrow (PG13, 1/1 if you're lucky)

:: happy dance ::

6.1 -- my A1c is 6.1!

Okay, a little background. Diabetics are supposed to get a test quarterly that shows how your control of your blood glucose is doing. I haven't had one since I was diagnosed because I lack health insurance, and medical tests are expensive. However, when I dropped in to Walgreens to get some test strips for my blood glucose monitor, they had these nifty Metrika's A1cNow Monitor home test kits for $24.99.

So, I bought one, and I just did the test, and my A1c is 6.1, which, according to the various charts, is very good to excellent control.

Which means, basically, that I'm a little less likely to lose my vision, kidneys and extremities. Makes all that going without sugary goodies and getting exercise seem worth it.

This must be viewed, it must be, my precious!
A Lord of the Rings and Buffy the Vampire Slayer Musical Adventure: index.html

Talk about combining favorites! Better yet, it's actually good!

Oh, yeah, home safe (if exhausted) from California. Will post notes and pictures once I have a few minutes. Editing nonstop to get the last 3 scenarios out to WotC before they close for the end of the year on Friday (and not going to make it, I fear).

Okay, I've really got to get back to work, but I have to share this gem, which I discovered on Neil Gaiman's weblog (another site always worth a read).

Herein -- more than you ever wanted to know about the term "Mary Sue", usually applied to fanfiction, but sometimes to stuff that actually squeaks into actual print. Making Light: Namarie Sue

This, I confess, came as a surprise. I figured I'd be Miss Piggy...

You are Dr. Bunson Honeydew.
You love to analyse things and further the cause of science, even if you do tend to blow things up more often than not.
HOBBIES: Scientific inquiry, Looking through microscopes, Recombining DNA to create decorative art.
QUOTE: "Now, Beakie, we'll just flip this switch and 60,000 refreshing volts of electricity willsurge through your body. Ready?"
FAVORITE MUSICAL ARTIST: John Cougar Melonhead
LAST BOOK READ: "Quantum Physics: 101 Easy Microwave Recipes"
NEVER LEAVES HOME WITHOUT: An atom smasher and plenty of extra atoms.

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Insults ::: The Art of Insults Oh, my... I needed that on a Monday morning. Not work-safe...

I can't help myself. I have to share this, though it is wrong in a thousand ways. Holiday Snowglobe

Am I earning bad karma by shaking the globe? I can't stop, regardless -- it reminds me of blowing up the little lemmings in the old computer game. I just couldn't help myself...

I am now confident the cold has been routed. Take that! (Actually, I suspect I was just fortunate enough to get a mild case.)

Now, if I could just get rid of the dropseys. I am having a run of extraordinary clumsiness -- dropped my salad last night in the kitchen, wasting better than half of it. (My kitchen floor is so not clean enough to eat off...). It continues today, dropping my vitamins this morning, my keys when I got out of the car at work, and just about anything else that comes to my hands. Very frustrating.

Padawannabes is off to the Masters, two evenings later than I'd hoped. Gotta get caught up this weekend, since I want the whole thing in by Monday. Never a dull moment.

Cold/Flu Day 4
Looks like I've got it on the run. Just a little cough/congestion, and not nearly so miserable as even last night. Phil (bless his soul) took me out to dinner at Hong Kong, my favorite local Chinese/Korean restaurant. Spicy food has a nice way of clearing me up a bit.

I had to really force myself to crawl to the computer, but managed to finish the heavy lifting on Padawannabes. I'm going over it once more for egregious spelling/grammar issues, but it's ready for the bag, I think. Tonight I tackle Way of the Force (which looks to be an excellent roleplaying exercise). The Plots team is doing a great job.

Good Housekeeping
If you've ever visited me, you'll understand why this has special meaning for me.

It's from the comic strip "Raising Duncan".

Nasty cold/flu, day 3
Feeling better, though last night I really just wanted to crawl into bed. Got the letter out to the Trust requesting assistance with automotive woes (finally) via fax this am, after finishing it last night. Stooopid Windows Millenium -- crashed while I was faxing and the whole reboot-redo made me late to work. (Making up the time via shorter lunch). BG back under control, though, with the help of medication.

I've moved on to "Post Commander", the second of Patrick O'Brien's Jack Aubrey books. You can hear the timbers creak and smell the salt air -- wonderful cracking good stuff.

Because you know you've wanted to know, ever since you heard the question...
Estimating the Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow

What I'm reading... Patricia Cornwell's "All That Remains". The nice thing about doing tons of data entry is that I can listen to books on tape. The reader is a woman with a strong British accent, though, which is somewhat jarring in the Cornwell Virginia milleu.

Day 2 of the cold/flu; the first day was, as usual, the worst. I managed to sleep through the night last night, so I should be heading to healing. Lots of liquids and soup, BG all over the map. (131 this am, 178 2 hours after breakfast, which was, admittedly, a donut and thus Not Good, but I took half a metaglip with it. Sick+diabetes is always weird.)

Rats. Drat. [Various expletives deleted] And I was doing so well...

Wednesday/Thursday - Got Excursion finished, had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner at the Lahna's (and didn't even shoot my BG through the roof). I made this funky pumpkin custard thingy (Colleen provided pumpkin, recipe and molasses) and it was actually pretty good. Not as good as the cheesecake...
Friday - Got Recursion finished other than a little trouble with one of the rewards (which I resolved on Sunday). Had a lovely dinner with Vic and his charming wife Stacey, who was very patient as we discussed varions Living Force metagaming issues.
Saturday - Arose at what-o'clock-is-this, left for Dayton around 5 am with a thermos full of coffee and 4 hours sleep under my belt. Ran the Metatheran Caution trilogy for them, and things went, I thought, well. I don't do my best work when I run for 10-12 hours solid, but I think they had fun. Dara had a cold/flu, but despite my dark threats to do unspeakable things to her if she gave it to me, I don't think even my pathetic immune system bypassed the usual 72 hour incubation period.
Sunday - up from Ed's couch early (nice couch, nice house, stupid clock chiming every 15 minutes...) and off to Columbus to visit Erika & Jason and their new daughter Airealana. Slight sore throat and congestion, but hey, I figured I'd been talking all day the day before, and slept on a foreign couch.

Wrongo... by the time I got home around 4 pm, it was abundantly clear that Jae's Home for Wayward Germs has the welcome mat out. I should've gotten a flu shot. Ghaaa... The usual miserable congestion, sore throat, cough, etc. A week if I treat it, 7 days if I don't.

I do NOT have time to get sick right now. I started on Padawannabe's Sunday evening, and I need to have it done no later than Tuesday evening, since I need to get the rest of that trilogy in by next Monday am at the very, very latest. Sooner if I can, because I also have Night's Friend and Night's Homecoming to get done ASAP, and For Fun and Profit. At least I'm editing, which is a darned sight faster than writing.

But I'm siiiiiick, and I really just wanna sleep. *sigh*